Parents And Their Wish For Their Child's 'Happiness'

Right from when I was 11 years old, my parents voices would echo in my ear. Repeating the phrase 'We just want you to be happy'. It would always puzzle me, because it would always be said in times when I was far from happy. The times when we had yelled at each other till my voice was hoarse and there were tears leaking from my eyes. I would ask myself, if you wanted me to be happy, how did you let it get this far? 

And that is when I first started to question the inner motives of parents. Subconscious or otherwise. You see, my parents would appear to be the so called 'liberals' of their generation. Especially of the Asian community. I've often felt incredibly lucky that unlike some of my peers, my parents have never outright forced me into a career path. Never overtly planned my future.

This was something I always felt so incredibly proud of. Of their characters and humility. Their respect for me as an individual and my choices. My views on this began to change in the late parts of Year 10 when I was 15 years old.

I've mentioned before that English has always been an ardent love of mine (hence this blog) , and at this point in my life, I had decided it was something I would like to pursue at university. I knew I was still young, I knew I was still open to changing my mind, but it was my current choice - and honestly speaking... it was a relief. Despite being so young (I can understand that now with hindsight) I had so many panicked late nights, with the question 'what am I going to do with my life?' etched into every inch of my brain, and this decision was one that came with a sense of satisfaction and tranquillity.

I had done my research. With the dream of pursuing a career of journalism still freshly glittering in my thoughts, I made sure to properly look into the typical paths of those who had been successful before me. When I told my parents, I thought they would have shared my relief. Especially, with their previous declarations of letting me choose whichever path I wanted, which ever path would make me happy , I was certain that they would be pleased. They weren't. I was badgered with questions and skepticism.

On one hand, I can understand the parental reasoning behind this. Parents will understandably want to know that their child has fully thought a decision - that is so significant - through. Yet, despite making it clear that I had done my research and that I was aware of the competition, but pursuing a degree in English was what I really wanted to do, they still appeared hesitant.

Now, I know that ultimately if I had wanted to go through with getting an English degree, they would have let me. But what unsettles me is that I don't think they would have been as encouraging and supportive as they had otherwise lead me to believe. I just knew that they would be holding on to the 'I told you so(s)' for the future, when I would inevitably hit a minor bump in the road. And sometimes, I think the knowledge of that was a factor in making me re-evaluate my choice.

Yet, I won't blame them entirely. That wouldn't be fair. Ultimately, as a bit of a people pleaser, I wanted my parents to be fully on board with my choice of career but I was also determined to truly follow the path that I wanted to lead. Nevertheless, by chance, I began to research and explore the opportunities that could come with a Law degree - and the difference in their reactions was astonishing. Apart from the courtesy questions to check whether I was 'absolutely sure that this is was [I] wanted to do' , my parents didn't need much convincing. Certainly not as much as they needed for English.

And perhaps you might think that I am being unfair to them. That I am twisting the scenario to make them appear villainous, but let me assure you. I was on the receiving end of both of their reactions. I could tell the difference as if it were the back of my hand.

But I was happy. I was happy that I was finally getting the support and - arguably - their respect for my choice of degree and I have not looked back since. With more research and exploration into the subject, I have genuinely found a huge point of interest in the study of the Law and am thoroughly excited to eventually study it further. However, the disparity of their reactions remained unsettling to me, and thought I never vocalised my thoughts, I made an internal acknowledgement that perhaps my parents vehement declarations weren't as noble or liberal as they deceptively seemed.

You see, it became apparent to me that my parents' 'wish for me to be happy' actually meant that they wanted me to be happy on their terms. When I became increasingly aware of this, I began to more strongly believe in the idea that parents can subconsciously be quite selfish, in regards to the upbringing and future of their child, and after discussing with my parents - about this matter - profusely, my view has only been confirmed by their responses.

Let me put it this way. It almost as if I have been told that I have an endless amount of options to choose from, when in actual fact - I can choose anything I want - from the options that my parents have given me.

When discussing with my parents I asked them this ' If I was to come to you tomorrow and tell you that the only way I could ever be happy was if I was to become a hairdresser [ disclaimer : I have absolutely nothing against hairdressers and I would hate for this to come across snobby or anything like that. I only used it as an example because I knew it would be something that my parents would respond to] , would you be happy with me pursuing that?'

It took a lot of skilful, yet painfully frustrating evasions of my question to finally get my father to admit 'No, I would not be happy'. His reason ? Because I would supposedly not be independent or have a 'good standard of living'. I was appalled. My issue with my father's answer is layered. First and foremost, if we are to tackle the idea of happiness , I would have to counter his argument by stating that if, as a parent, his (as he has proclaimed himself) his sole aim is for me to be 'happy', why should he be unhappy if I achieve my happiness by being a hairdresser ? Why should the circumstances that lead to my happiness affect how he views the achievement of his supposed ultimate goal?

Unless that wasn't really his ultimate goal. His ultimate goal was - in reality - for me to be happy on his terms, by leading a life that he would be happy with. I won't dispute that if I was to become a hairdresser, I would not earn as much as him and I would perhaps not have the same lifestyle as he does, but if I had a job and could support myself and was happy - why should he , in theory, have an issue with that?

Moving away from the blatant disregard of the dignity of labour (that made me angry in itself, but that is another issue) , I was frustrated by his constant insistence that parents still just wanted ultimate happiness for their children. Some parents do, but most hide behind the phrase to conceal it.

And I guess, one might say, why shouldn't parents want that for their children? They provide for them, raise them - should they not be entitled to influence the life their child should lead ? My answer to that is no. 

If two people decide that they want to take on the responsibility of parenthood, then they must also readily accept that their child will be their own person. It is a parent's responsibility to care and provide for their child till they are of age, and no child owes their parents the right to make major decisions about their life, in exchange for that.

Now, however scathing this post may appear to be in regards to parenthood and particularly my own parents, I want to assure you all that I am not some crazed parent hater. I understand and can empathise with the plight that parents can face. Indeed, putting myself in the position of a parent makes me wholly appreciate the difficulty in giving your child free reign over their lives, with the worry that they could really 'make a mess' of it and end up in serious trouble. Yet, there comes a point when the decisions of your child are no longer yours to make. And even though a child legally becomes an adult at the age of 18, they should be treated with the dignity and respect of one well before that. Their decisions should be respected and acknowledged as their own desires and wishes, not versions of your own (as parents). 

A Journey of Learning to Let Friends Go

I thought that, by the age of 17, I would know who my friends were. In fact, even before my 17th birthday, I thought I already knew them. I have never been accustomed to change and that is something I always knew I would have to get over. But in all honesty, I thought I had time. So when school started in September last year, and every friendship I had ever known was dramatically altered - I felt I was left flailing.

I suppose I've always been more on the optimistic side, when it comes to friendships. A lot of people I know have already made peace with the fact that the people they hold close to their hearts in this very moment, will change in the coming years. That's something I have found myself slowly processing lately, but even then I have this unwavering hope that I have still caught on to a few good ones that will be my friends for life.

It's just strange to me. How can people fathom a life that doesn't contain any of the people they currently love so dearly ? How are people okay with that? Not to mention the 'Q' word again (quarantine), but these few weeks have been so testing. I went from already having a shortened list of close friends, to having that number itself being cut down. When does this end ? When will I be left with the people that will really stay? Part of me feels that i'll never really have that.

This isn't a unique problem or worry. I know that. But it's one of those feelings that even though you are hyperaware that it is universal - it will never ever feel like it is. Feeling like you have no one is so unbelievably isolating.

On the good days, I know that I have a really wonderful group of people. Ones that I can facetime with zero makeup on and hair that looks like a bird flew through it. Yet, on the bad days, I will think of a reason why every one of those friends aren't who they say they are. Or why they secretly find me boring. Or annoying to talk to. A chore to keep in contact with. It is crazy. My mind is an enigma to even myself and has always been one to enjoy keeping me on my toes. Has always been one to ruin every moment before anyone else can.

In the past year, I have gone from having a core group of friends to having my close friends scattered. Those who know me will know this little speech as well as I do, yet I feel I must repeat it to fully convey what this change makes me feel. It is like going from having all your support and love concentrated in one central part in your life, to suddenly having it dispersed. Scattered.

I went from never caring where I 'ranked' on peoples' close friends lists to suddenly being obsessively aware of all the people above me. Personally, I have never taken to having a full on list that ranks people I am close with. I feel, for me (and a lot of other people too) , my friendships sort of range in levels/ bands of people. There is no 'one supreme friend'. And since I had always had a group of friends with the same level of closeness, that had never been a problem.

The biggest heartache that I have felt this year is growing apart from someone who genuinely felt like a sister to me. In every way. She was someone who had been so close to me since we were 12. I would tell her everything, and I remember the endless visits to her house where we'd have our staple diet of Subway sandwiches and watch movies, sprawled across her living room floor. I remember the embarrassing videos that we would film, and the deep/ probing conversations that we would have on the train journey home. If I was ever to have a number one best friend - at that time, it would have been her.

And then Year 12 started. She pulled away from our already fractured group and maybe I could have made peace with that if I didn't feel as if she was pulling away from me too. I tried. Tried to keep the conversations going. She started getting the train at different times (albeit that was because of her convenience, and I understand that. Just meant I didn't see her as much) and there were a new group of people that she called her own. And yes, we still talk. And yes, I still love her to bits but something has changed.

The crushing part is, I don't even know what or why it did. Writing this makes me feel heavy. Though she's still in my life, I feel upset and frustrated that she's not in it in the way that she used to be. I have made endless attempts to get her to open up, or to get an explanation as to why. If I think about it long enough, I become irrational and start blaming myself for not being more funny or witty.

I think that we always have a bond that ties us to our first real 'best friend'. Having moved schools throughout the entirety of my primary school years, I had never really had that one close friend to hold on to for so long. So I think that this girl was the very first person who filled that role for me, even if I wasn't actively aware of it at the time. I mean, we effectively grew up together. You don't spend so much time with someone from ages 11 to 16/17 without forming a bond.

And by acknowledging this. By acknowledging that despite things changing, she's still a friend that I can turn to. I think that I am ready to start letting go. In all honesty, I thought that I had started that process months ago. Mainly because out of anger and frustration I had declared I would never ever let myself trust her again. Because I felt she had let me down. She hadn't. She had just grown up. Changed. And it was me that needed to accept and do that too. She'll always take up a core part of my secondary school experience. I'll always have the memories, and I guess she will too.

I may have lost having her in my life in the way that I used to, but I have to acknowledge the fact that I have also gained people who have filled any gaping holes that were left as a result of any losses or reshuffling. As we grow, we change. And so do the people around us. That means people can grow apart. Yet, it also means that sometimes, you'll find a way to grow back together.

I'm making it my goal to sit back and let nature take it's course in the realm of friendships. I am trying to not think of all the people that I might lose, but instead of all the people that I am going to gain. And, when even that gets a bit too much - I stop thinking of that at all, and just try to focus and appreciate the people that I have right now. Because I have some pretty amazing people to go to (the kind that make cute Pinterest aesthetic boards for you) , even if I sometimes doubt it.

Why I've Consistently Failed to Re-Invent Myself

Being in the midst of a global pandemic leaves one with an endless amount of time to mull over everything they want to change in their life. There seems to be a relentless amount of pressure to use this time 'productively'. And by that, people mean that this time should be used to exercise - get into shape. To learn a new skill, like cooking. To get on top of work and find time to do things that you've always wanted to do. I'm hearing this phrase (and ashamedly using it a little too often, myself) 'I need to get my life together', and I figured that I just need to stop. I need to slow down. We all do.

Throughout the course of first starting this blog (when I was 11) to now (with me being 17), I feel this blog serves as a written archive that could probably be used to piece together the many different attempts I made to 're-invent' myself. Whether it was the initial attempt to be 'quirky' with my awkward, embarrassing family (who god forbid took one selfie and made me so unbelievably mortified that I just had to make an entire blogpost on the trauma of having a family member know how to suitably work a phone)  or my multiple shots at trying to be a beauty guru - and dramatically failing because you just can't give makeup tutorials in a written format.

Not to sound like an absolute cliché, but if there was a prize for the biggest tally of embarrassing phases - I would probably come first. And second. And third. It seemed that every year of school would bring about another urge to shed my former layers and force myself to blossom into the likes of a beautiful swan, and yet every year I would painfully fail.

It seemed as though everyone around me was gradually growing into themselves, and becoming more beautiful, passionate and unique - and I felt so unbelievably plain in comparison. And for a while, I really wanted to change that.

I tried different hairstyles (which has lead me to realise that I will most definitely never be able to suit a fringe), had multiple wardrobe clear outs, started wearing contact lenses, started wearing mascara (and later concealer) to school.

Now don't get me wrong. I think it is great for people to wear/ do what makes them feel happy and more confident and if wearing makeup/ contact lenses does that for you (in the same way that not wearing makeup/ contact lenses might do for others) then you should wholeheartedly do what makes you more comfortable with who you are.

I guess my issue arises with my own personal reasons for initially doing all of those things. I was trying to re-invent myself into what other people would find pretty. I wasn't - at the start - doing it for myself. In regards to who I am as a person, I feel grateful and relieved that I've never felt the need to change or adapt depending on whoever I am with. Whether you're the beacon of 'cool' or my best friend, I would like to think that the core of who I am doesn't change, and I have never felt the pressure to do so either. Yet, it seemed with appearance I was at pains to gain the acceptance and approval of everyone - hence the many attempts to change how I looked and trying to fit into an 'aesthetic'. And honestly, I still couldn't tell you why. It baffles me that I can feel so secure with who I am as a person (mostly) yet be at the mercy of other people with everything else.

Maybe I am a subconscious perfectionist. Maybe that's why it hurt when no one singled me out as being one of the 'pretty ones' in school because ,to me, that seemed to be a flaw. And maybe, that's why I tried really hard to change how I looked, so one day people would go 'hey, she's pretty' and I could feel that I wasn't lacking anywhere anymore.

Just writing that out makes me feel so astounded with myself and how fractured my belief system was. Is (at times). The logical part of my brain knows better now. Only I can determine the value of myself and I know that once I master the art of keeping my self-worth unchangeable to any words other than my own, then I will feel liberated.

You see, the reason I constantly failed to re-invent myself was because I was looking at other people to set the benchmark. Not myself. You can't re-invent yourself to be somebody else. Reinventing oneself shouldn't be done to change the essence of who you are. It should be to expand yourself. To grow as an individual and blossom into a world where you are entirely your own. Part of it includes learning how to find the right concealer to match your skin tone, but the rest is so much more than that.

So, back to the lockdown. A lot of people will see this time as an opportunity to change themselves and come back as a new person. You don't have to follow. Use this time in whatever way you feel is best for you. If that is throwing yourself into a jampacked routine to alter the nature of your life and rejuvenate all elements of your soul, then do it. But if you'd rather sleep, relax and really explore the depths of who you are as an individual and focus on your internal/spiritual growth, then that is perfectly okay too.