I thought that, by the age of 17, I would know who my friends were. In fact, even before my 17th birthday, I thought I already knew them. I have never been accustomed to change and that is something I always knew I would have to get over. But in all honesty, I thought I had time. So when school started in September last year, and every friendship I had ever known was dramatically altered - I felt I was left flailing.
I suppose I've always been more on the optimistic side, when it comes to friendships. A lot of people I know have already made peace with the fact that the people they hold close to their hearts in this very moment, will change in the coming years. That's something I have found myself slowly processing lately, but even then I have this unwavering hope that I have still caught on to a few good ones that will be my friends for life.
It's just strange to me. How can people fathom a life that doesn't contain any of the people they currently love so dearly ? How are people okay with that? Not to mention the 'Q' word again (quarantine), but these few weeks have been so testing. I went from already having a shortened list of close friends, to having that number itself being cut down. When does this end ? When will I be left with the people that will really stay? Part of me feels that i'll never really have that.
This isn't a unique problem or worry. I know that. But it's one of those feelings that even though you are hyperaware that it is universal - it will never ever feel like it is. Feeling like you have no one is so unbelievably isolating.
On the good days, I know that I have a really wonderful group of people. Ones that I can facetime with zero makeup on and hair that looks like a bird flew through it. Yet, on the bad days, I will think of a reason why every one of those friends aren't who they say they are. Or why they secretly find me boring. Or annoying to talk to. A chore to keep in contact with. It is crazy. My mind is an enigma to even myself and has always been one to enjoy keeping me on my toes. Has always been one to ruin every moment before anyone else can.
In the past year, I have gone from having a core group of friends to having my close friends scattered. Those who know me will know this little speech as well as I do, yet I feel I must repeat it to fully convey what this change makes me feel. It is like going from having all your support and love concentrated in one central part in your life, to suddenly having it dispersed. Scattered.
I went from never caring where I 'ranked' on peoples' close friends lists to suddenly being obsessively aware of all the people above me. Personally, I have never taken to having a full on list that ranks people I am close with. I feel, for me (and a lot of other people too) , my friendships sort of range in levels/ bands of people. There is no 'one supreme friend'. And since I had always had a group of friends with the same level of closeness, that had never been a problem.
The biggest heartache that I have felt this year is growing apart from someone who genuinely felt like a sister to me. In every way. She was someone who had been so close to me since we were 12. I would tell her everything, and I remember the endless visits to her house where we'd have our staple diet of Subway sandwiches and watch movies, sprawled across her living room floor. I remember the embarrassing videos that we would film, and the deep/ probing conversations that we would have on the train journey home. If I was ever to have a number one best friend - at that time, it would have been her.
And then Year 12 started. She pulled away from our already fractured group and maybe I could have made peace with that if I didn't feel as if she was pulling away from me too. I tried. Tried to keep the conversations going. She started getting the train at different times (albeit that was because of her convenience, and I understand that. Just meant I didn't see her as much) and there were a new group of people that she called her own. And yes, we still talk. And yes, I still love her to bits but something has changed.
The crushing part is, I don't even know what or why it did. Writing this makes me feel heavy. Though she's still in my life, I feel upset and frustrated that she's not in it in the way that she used to be. I have made endless attempts to get her to open up, or to get an explanation as to why. If I think about it long enough, I become irrational and start blaming myself for not being more funny or witty.
I think that we always have a bond that ties us to our first real 'best friend'. Having moved schools throughout the entirety of my primary school years, I had never really had that one close friend to hold on to for so long. So I think that this girl was the very first person who filled that role for me, even if I wasn't actively aware of it at the time. I mean, we effectively grew up together. You don't spend so much time with someone from ages 11 to 16/17 without forming a bond.
And by acknowledging this. By acknowledging that despite things changing, she's still a friend that I can turn to. I think that I am ready to start letting go. In all honesty, I thought that I had started that process months ago. Mainly because out of anger and frustration I had declared I would never ever let myself trust her again. Because I felt she had let me down. She hadn't. She had just grown up. Changed. And it was me that needed to accept and do that too. She'll always take up a core part of my secondary school experience. I'll always have the memories, and I guess she will too.
I may have lost having her in my life in the way that I used to, but I have to acknowledge the fact that I have also gained people who have filled any gaping holes that were left as a result of any losses or reshuffling. As we grow, we change. And so do the people around us. That means people can grow apart. Yet, it also means that sometimes, you'll find a way to grow back together.
I'm making it my goal to sit back and let nature take it's course in the realm of friendships. I am trying to not think of all the people that I might lose, but instead of all the people that I am going to gain. And, when even that gets a bit too much - I stop thinking of that at all, and just try to focus and appreciate the people that I have right now. Because I have some pretty amazing people to go to (the kind that make cute Pinterest aesthetic boards for you) , even if I sometimes doubt it.
I suppose I've always been more on the optimistic side, when it comes to friendships. A lot of people I know have already made peace with the fact that the people they hold close to their hearts in this very moment, will change in the coming years. That's something I have found myself slowly processing lately, but even then I have this unwavering hope that I have still caught on to a few good ones that will be my friends for life.
It's just strange to me. How can people fathom a life that doesn't contain any of the people they currently love so dearly ? How are people okay with that? Not to mention the 'Q' word again (quarantine), but these few weeks have been so testing. I went from already having a shortened list of close friends, to having that number itself being cut down. When does this end ? When will I be left with the people that will really stay? Part of me feels that i'll never really have that.
This isn't a unique problem or worry. I know that. But it's one of those feelings that even though you are hyperaware that it is universal - it will never ever feel like it is. Feeling like you have no one is so unbelievably isolating.
On the good days, I know that I have a really wonderful group of people. Ones that I can facetime with zero makeup on and hair that looks like a bird flew through it. Yet, on the bad days, I will think of a reason why every one of those friends aren't who they say they are. Or why they secretly find me boring. Or annoying to talk to. A chore to keep in contact with. It is crazy. My mind is an enigma to even myself and has always been one to enjoy keeping me on my toes. Has always been one to ruin every moment before anyone else can.
In the past year, I have gone from having a core group of friends to having my close friends scattered. Those who know me will know this little speech as well as I do, yet I feel I must repeat it to fully convey what this change makes me feel. It is like going from having all your support and love concentrated in one central part in your life, to suddenly having it dispersed. Scattered.
I went from never caring where I 'ranked' on peoples' close friends lists to suddenly being obsessively aware of all the people above me. Personally, I have never taken to having a full on list that ranks people I am close with. I feel, for me (and a lot of other people too) , my friendships sort of range in levels/ bands of people. There is no 'one supreme friend'. And since I had always had a group of friends with the same level of closeness, that had never been a problem.
The biggest heartache that I have felt this year is growing apart from someone who genuinely felt like a sister to me. In every way. She was someone who had been so close to me since we were 12. I would tell her everything, and I remember the endless visits to her house where we'd have our staple diet of Subway sandwiches and watch movies, sprawled across her living room floor. I remember the embarrassing videos that we would film, and the deep/ probing conversations that we would have on the train journey home. If I was ever to have a number one best friend - at that time, it would have been her.
And then Year 12 started. She pulled away from our already fractured group and maybe I could have made peace with that if I didn't feel as if she was pulling away from me too. I tried. Tried to keep the conversations going. She started getting the train at different times (albeit that was because of her convenience, and I understand that. Just meant I didn't see her as much) and there were a new group of people that she called her own. And yes, we still talk. And yes, I still love her to bits but something has changed.
The crushing part is, I don't even know what or why it did. Writing this makes me feel heavy. Though she's still in my life, I feel upset and frustrated that she's not in it in the way that she used to be. I have made endless attempts to get her to open up, or to get an explanation as to why. If I think about it long enough, I become irrational and start blaming myself for not being more funny or witty.
I think that we always have a bond that ties us to our first real 'best friend'. Having moved schools throughout the entirety of my primary school years, I had never really had that one close friend to hold on to for so long. So I think that this girl was the very first person who filled that role for me, even if I wasn't actively aware of it at the time. I mean, we effectively grew up together. You don't spend so much time with someone from ages 11 to 16/17 without forming a bond.
And by acknowledging this. By acknowledging that despite things changing, she's still a friend that I can turn to. I think that I am ready to start letting go. In all honesty, I thought that I had started that process months ago. Mainly because out of anger and frustration I had declared I would never ever let myself trust her again. Because I felt she had let me down. She hadn't. She had just grown up. Changed. And it was me that needed to accept and do that too. She'll always take up a core part of my secondary school experience. I'll always have the memories, and I guess she will too.
I may have lost having her in my life in the way that I used to, but I have to acknowledge the fact that I have also gained people who have filled any gaping holes that were left as a result of any losses or reshuffling. As we grow, we change. And so do the people around us. That means people can grow apart. Yet, it also means that sometimes, you'll find a way to grow back together.
I'm making it my goal to sit back and let nature take it's course in the realm of friendships. I am trying to not think of all the people that I might lose, but instead of all the people that I am going to gain. And, when even that gets a bit too much - I stop thinking of that at all, and just try to focus and appreciate the people that I have right now. Because I have some pretty amazing people to go to (the kind that make cute Pinterest aesthetic boards for you) , even if I sometimes doubt it.
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