Being in the midst of a global pandemic leaves one with an endless amount of time to mull over everything they want to change in their life. There seems to be a relentless amount of pressure to use this time 'productively'. And by that, people mean that this time should be used to exercise - get into shape. To learn a new skill, like cooking. To get on top of work and find time to do things that you've always wanted to do. I'm hearing this phrase (and ashamedly using it a little too often, myself) 'I need to get my life together', and I figured that I just need to stop. I need to slow down. We all do.
Throughout the course of first starting this blog (when I was 11) to now (with me being 17), I feel this blog serves as a written archive that could probably be used to piece together the many different attempts I made to 're-invent' myself. Whether it was the initial attempt to be 'quirky' with my awkward, embarrassing family (who god forbid took one selfie and made me so unbelievably mortified that I just had to make an entire blogpost on the trauma of having a family member know how to suitably work a phone) or my multiple shots at trying to be a beauty guru - and dramatically failing because you just can't give makeup tutorials in a written format.
Not to sound like an absolute cliché, but if there was a prize for the biggest tally of embarrassing phases - I would probably come first. And second. And third. It seemed that every year of school would bring about another urge to shed my former layers and force myself to blossom into the likes of a beautiful swan, and yet every year I would painfully fail.
It seemed as though everyone around me was gradually growing into themselves, and becoming more beautiful, passionate and unique - and I felt so unbelievably plain in comparison. And for a while, I really wanted to change that.
I tried different hairstyles (which has lead me to realise that I will most definitely never be able to suit a fringe), had multiple wardrobe clear outs, started wearing contact lenses, started wearing mascara (and later concealer) to school.
Now don't get me wrong. I think it is great for people to wear/ do what makes them feel happy and more confident and if wearing makeup/ contact lenses does that for you (in the same way that not wearing makeup/ contact lenses might do for others) then you should wholeheartedly do what makes you more comfortable with who you are.
I guess my issue arises with my own personal reasons for initially doing all of those things. I was trying to re-invent myself into what other people would find pretty. I wasn't - at the start - doing it for myself. In regards to who I am as a person, I feel grateful and relieved that I've never felt the need to change or adapt depending on whoever I am with. Whether you're the beacon of 'cool' or my best friend, I would like to think that the core of who I am doesn't change, and I have never felt the pressure to do so either. Yet, it seemed with appearance I was at pains to gain the acceptance and approval of everyone - hence the many attempts to change how I looked and trying to fit into an 'aesthetic'. And honestly, I still couldn't tell you why. It baffles me that I can feel so secure with who I am as a person (mostly) yet be at the mercy of other people with everything else.
Maybe I am a subconscious perfectionist. Maybe that's why it hurt when no one singled me out as being one of the 'pretty ones' in school because ,to me, that seemed to be a flaw. And maybe, that's why I tried really hard to change how I looked, so one day people would go 'hey, she's pretty' and I could feel that I wasn't lacking anywhere anymore.
Just writing that out makes me feel so astounded with myself and how fractured my belief system was. Is (at times). The logical part of my brain knows better now. Only I can determine the value of myself and I know that once I master the art of keeping my self-worth unchangeable to any words other than my own, then I will feel liberated.
You see, the reason I constantly failed to re-invent myself was because I was looking at other people to set the benchmark. Not myself. You can't re-invent yourself to be somebody else. Reinventing oneself shouldn't be done to change the essence of who you are. It should be to expand yourself. To grow as an individual and blossom into a world where you are entirely your own. Part of it includes learning how to find the right concealer to match your skin tone, but the rest is so much more than that.
So, back to the lockdown. A lot of people will see this time as an opportunity to change themselves and come back as a new person. You don't have to follow. Use this time in whatever way you feel is best for you. If that is throwing yourself into a jampacked routine to alter the nature of your life and rejuvenate all elements of your soul, then do it. But if you'd rather sleep, relax and really explore the depths of who you are as an individual and focus on your internal/spiritual growth, then that is perfectly okay too.
Throughout the course of first starting this blog (when I was 11) to now (with me being 17), I feel this blog serves as a written archive that could probably be used to piece together the many different attempts I made to 're-invent' myself. Whether it was the initial attempt to be 'quirky' with my awkward, embarrassing family (who god forbid took one selfie and made me so unbelievably mortified that I just had to make an entire blogpost on the trauma of having a family member know how to suitably work a phone) or my multiple shots at trying to be a beauty guru - and dramatically failing because you just can't give makeup tutorials in a written format.
Not to sound like an absolute cliché, but if there was a prize for the biggest tally of embarrassing phases - I would probably come first. And second. And third. It seemed that every year of school would bring about another urge to shed my former layers and force myself to blossom into the likes of a beautiful swan, and yet every year I would painfully fail.
It seemed as though everyone around me was gradually growing into themselves, and becoming more beautiful, passionate and unique - and I felt so unbelievably plain in comparison. And for a while, I really wanted to change that.
I tried different hairstyles (which has lead me to realise that I will most definitely never be able to suit a fringe), had multiple wardrobe clear outs, started wearing contact lenses, started wearing mascara (and later concealer) to school.
Now don't get me wrong. I think it is great for people to wear/ do what makes them feel happy and more confident and if wearing makeup/ contact lenses does that for you (in the same way that not wearing makeup/ contact lenses might do for others) then you should wholeheartedly do what makes you more comfortable with who you are.
I guess my issue arises with my own personal reasons for initially doing all of those things. I was trying to re-invent myself into what other people would find pretty. I wasn't - at the start - doing it for myself. In regards to who I am as a person, I feel grateful and relieved that I've never felt the need to change or adapt depending on whoever I am with. Whether you're the beacon of 'cool' or my best friend, I would like to think that the core of who I am doesn't change, and I have never felt the pressure to do so either. Yet, it seemed with appearance I was at pains to gain the acceptance and approval of everyone - hence the many attempts to change how I looked and trying to fit into an 'aesthetic'. And honestly, I still couldn't tell you why. It baffles me that I can feel so secure with who I am as a person (mostly) yet be at the mercy of other people with everything else.
Maybe I am a subconscious perfectionist. Maybe that's why it hurt when no one singled me out as being one of the 'pretty ones' in school because ,to me, that seemed to be a flaw. And maybe, that's why I tried really hard to change how I looked, so one day people would go 'hey, she's pretty' and I could feel that I wasn't lacking anywhere anymore.
Just writing that out makes me feel so astounded with myself and how fractured my belief system was. Is (at times). The logical part of my brain knows better now. Only I can determine the value of myself and I know that once I master the art of keeping my self-worth unchangeable to any words other than my own, then I will feel liberated.
You see, the reason I constantly failed to re-invent myself was because I was looking at other people to set the benchmark. Not myself. You can't re-invent yourself to be somebody else. Reinventing oneself shouldn't be done to change the essence of who you are. It should be to expand yourself. To grow as an individual and blossom into a world where you are entirely your own. Part of it includes learning how to find the right concealer to match your skin tone, but the rest is so much more than that.
So, back to the lockdown. A lot of people will see this time as an opportunity to change themselves and come back as a new person. You don't have to follow. Use this time in whatever way you feel is best for you. If that is throwing yourself into a jampacked routine to alter the nature of your life and rejuvenate all elements of your soul, then do it. But if you'd rather sleep, relax and really explore the depths of who you are as an individual and focus on your internal/spiritual growth, then that is perfectly okay too.
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